I haven’t done a video in a while so bear with me.
So today I had time to lay around and watch YouTube. haha it sounds a little strange but hang in there. So one of my favorite youtube couples that I’ve followed for about four years decided to get a divorce probably six months ago. It was so sad to hear about it but also very reassuring. After being together for six years they split and now can lead separate happy lives. Upon observation while being single, I don’t feel like marriage will happen for me. I can barely take care of myself, my self esteem is really terrible, and I reply on others too much to be a supportive wife. I don’t want to be that wife that a husband bitches about to his friends. I know I would be because I was already that girlfriend. I don’t have faith in myself right now and it’s so hard for me to trust other people. I’ve had offers to date and yeah I’ve wanted to but I didn’t after Ericson because when we stopped talking I went straight back to Richard.
I haven’t forgiven Richard for breaking my heart and I don’t think I have the capability to do so. Often I find myself repeating all of the nasty shit he said to me and getting worked up about it. I just have little faith about my future with Richard. He makes it so fucking hard to let go. BUT HE STILL MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A LOVESICK SCHOOL GIRL. My heart jumps when I see him, if he texts me I get such a deep sickening feeling in my stomach, I lose my appetite, my ability to comprehend, I can’t breathe or think straight. He makes me fucking crazy.
I don’t know what to do. I’m suck in a whirlpool. I’m no longer moving forward, I’m sitting around waiting for school to start and to move but overall waiting for Richard to decide when we should take the next step into working out our problems. I’m still so crazy about him it’s like I’m under a spell. I can’t deal with it anymore, It’s consuming me.
A big weekend of disappointment
Well my dad’s been sick for a while and we’ve all known that he’s had liver problems. He went to get a few MRIs and we found out the he has liver cancer and two tumors that are in his abdomen which are also cancerous. We haven’t found out the details yet but he goes tomorrow (Monday) to get all of the specifics. So the night I found out i texted Rich telling him that I received some bad news and that I needed to see him. Of course as usual lately he texted me back telling me that he’s working but he’ll talk to me when he’s off. So around 2 is when he texted me and told me that I could go over there. Now I’m never up late anymore but I couldn’t sleep because I was super upset. When I got there he was his usual sweet self, he got me snacks and water from the gas station, he hugged me really tight and let me cry on him for a bit. Then we watched a movie in his room and fell asleep. It was just what I needed. I just needed company from someone who cared about me. Katy had been over that evening and stayed with me until she had to leave. But for the last few weeks it’s been impossible to hang out with Richard. Well when I was at his house I asked him what was wrong and why we haven’t hung out in a while. Turns out he was having to work a lot which I’m not going to say why because it’s none of my business to blab it out. But he was just working a lot and I thought that I had done something wrong to make him ignore me because that’s how he used to deal with his issues. If I did something that would make him mad or uncomfortable in any way then instead of telling me what’s wrong, he’d ignore me until he got over the situation which I really hated. But anyway, obviously I didn’t do anything wrong, he was just working a lot and respecting my work schedule by not texting and calling me too late at night. Which is really nice of him.
So now I’m waiting until September to move into my apartment. The move in date was supposed to be August 17th but Katy tore her ACL and now she has to get surgery on August the 14th so we had to set our move in date back a little. I just can’t wait, I’m so sick of living at my parents house. So basically I’m just working full time for another month until I start school on the 25th. Then wait another few weeks until I move in. This summer is going by so slowwww.
Anyway, Rich and I aren’t back together and we probably wont be until we can work things out. But I’d love to get back together with him.
Woke up next to Rich today :)
everybody is an enormous waste of time
Bon Iver touches my soul.
I am happy.
That moment you realize you’re too old and boring to stay up all night and party.
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